I was reminded of non-verbal doesn’t mean non-communicative earlier today. (FYI: Non-verbal doesn’t mean quiet either.) As a verbal species, humans often rely almost solely on verbal or written words to communicate. And when we find someone who is non-verbal, or even is slow to speak, we might be quick to (negatively) judge them. Many people will think they are unintelligent or have nothing of value to say.
Yet we know in nature many animals communicate without words. Penguins bring smooth pebbles to ones they like and want to mate with. Bees do a “dance” to tell others where they can find food. And birds and other animals will do a mating dance to get another’s attention. And this is only a partial list, of course.
My youngest is basically non-verbal at this time. With training and special education classes, he is increasing his vocabulary, and is up to nearly a half dozen words. (Trust me, while it may not seem like much, it is huge when any progress is made. And I was more than thrilled when Daddy was one of them.) But looking back, he has, and continues to communicate in other ways.
Some examples of how he communicates are:
- Putting his cup on the counter when he wants it refilled.
- Placing his bag of mini-muffins on a plate when he wants a snack.
- Taking me by the hand and leading me to his bed or sofa to lay down and snuggle with him when he’s tired or needs comfort.
- He’ll place a ball in my hand when he wants to play “catch”.
To him, this is his way of communicating.
The interesting thing is, we didn’t teach him many of these things. We learned to communicate with him as he was trying to communicate with us what these gestures and actions meant. We essentially learned his language.
You have to learn their method of communicating
Now, to help him fit into society, we will continue to try to teach him to speak. We speak with him regularly and repeat his requests verbally, so he hears words constantly and can associate them with the action or item. This has actually been part of his training to improve his vocabulary, along with tools like PECS (or Picture Exchange Communication System), the Proloquo2Go AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) app and educational games on his iPad, and more.
It is our job to listen to the other ways that he’s trying to communicate to understand him better. Essentially, we have to learn to fit into his world, before he can fit into ours. Maybe your child, or someone you know, cannot speak. Look for other ways they try to communicate.
My son is only four, and he barely speaks, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have anything to say.
Update on His Speech
It’s 2024 now and my son is double his age now from when we first wrote this article. COVID lock downs made it even harder for him to pick up language skills because he couldn’t interact with speech teachers, his normal teachers, and fellow classmates. It will be years before we fully make up for these lost years.
However, he can now say simple sentences such as, “I want drink please,” and yes, we’ve taught him please and thank you. We learned early on from one of our other son’s teachers, that people are more patient with people who are polite and trying.
We know that for someone who is now nine, he is far behind what other kids his age can do. And yes, we find it frustrating at times. But we also see the progress that has been made, and are extremely grateful for what we do get.
He has completely moved away from PECS except when making choices between 2-3 activities. Although sometimes he just goes and gets the item before we can even reach for the cards. He uses Proloquo2Go occasionally, but seems to be moving more toward verbal speech when prompted. We leave his iPad where it is readily available so if he wants to use it he can, but most of the time he will hand us items.
We’ve started prompting him to use his words. We’ll say “use your words” and sometimes he will respond with his words, other times he needs a little more prompting so we’ll start him out “I want…” and then he will finish the sentence.
With his educational games and videos he will repeat common phrases. He has actually started using some of them unprompted in appropriate situations. This is a very new thing for him and we’re excited to see where this will lead.
He may not talk much, but to hear him hum (which we’ve learned he does when he’s happy) as he plays, or sits in our lap, is a great feeling for us. He is very happy, and we’re still working with him.
Yes it takes longer, as it did with our first child. He could only put together about two short sentences when he started High School, and we wondered how he’d be able to hold down a job. However, now he can speak on several topics (movies are his favorite), and works part time. It’s because we didn’t give up on him, and we’re not with our youngest, even if he never progresses further.
We’ve simply learned to love them where they’re at, not where we want them to be.
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