We all want what’s best for our children and we all want them to be happy, however sometimes that means not hindering their growth. Our first son was mostly non-verbal and for his age they basically classified him as non-verbal since he was speaking like a two-year-old in first grade. Whenever he would point to something, we would get it for him. Whenever he would hand us something we would do what was expected – fill a cup, put food on his plate, play a game with him, open the playdough, etc. His teacher encouraged us to say sentence in everything we did in our daily life, including day to day chores, but especially when doing things for him. “I’m getting the juice out of the refrigerator to put in your cup. Let’s use the blue cup today.”
Sometimes it is best to rely on a professional who has already worked with people similar to your child. They know from experience how things typically turn out. For example, we considered teaching our son sign language. His teacher discouraged us from doing this as it could create a crutch for our son and he would not feel the pressure to learn verbal words to communicate. He pointed out that we could always do this later if our son did not increase his vocabulary in a reasonable time. He also encouraged us to not simply reply with sentence to being handed something, but to ask for a response and wait for it. When handed the cup, his teacher wanted us to ask, “Do you want juice?” and then wait for a nod or a verbal yes before getting the juice.
This wasn’t easy for us. We really wanted to just make him happy and he sometimes got frustrated, but in the long run it paid off and now he communicates verbally with everyone and they understand what he is trying to say.
Recently there have been a lot of articles about autistic children becoming violent and being arrested, even at ages as young as five. I see children (some who have no disability) that act out and throw things, hit and bite people and are totally disrespectful of people and property. Some parents have said in response “Boys will be boys”, or “Oh they’re on the autism spectrum and can’t control themselves, they can’t help it”, etc.
Making excuses for children doesn’t solve the problem. It can actually make things worse. If children don’t believe that their actions have consequences, then they will keep doing them and may even keep pushing the limits to what you will allow them to do.
My oldest son went through a period when he was in middle school where he was not getting the services he needed in school and his classes were either too easy or too hard, both of which he found very frustrating. While we were working on fixing this problem, another one developed. His frustrations were building and some of his teachers were not following his behavior plan and things escalated. He ended up flipping his desk over. No one was hurt and the desk was undamaged, however we realized that this was becoming a BIG problem and needed to be fixed immediately.
We worked with the school and his teachers to put in place specific coping techniques and detailed steps in his behavior plan to make sure this would not happen again. First if he started to get frustrated he could go play on the computer for 15 minutes and then needed to complete the task he was originally working on. The school used a digital timer so he could see the time. If our son started stimming or needed more than just a small break he could request to go walk around the track to calm down if something was bothering him.
Many behaviors and meltdowns can be avoided by simply finding our your child’s triggers and removing them from the situation. I saw a woman post the other day on Facebook, who had previously mentioned that her son had a problem with large crowds, that she was disappointed that her son had a meltdown at a festival. This was a large festival that had over 2,000 people in attendance. She brought him to the festival and dragged him around for several hours and then he had a meltdown. That was WAY too many people for a child that has a problem with crowds. Instead of removing the trigger, she put him right in the middle.
Children need to be taught self coping techniques – ways to calm themselves down. Teachers/parents/family members need to be taught calming techniques and how to recognize emotional escalations (and how to de-escalate them before they become a problem).
With our two older boys we have worked with them from a young age to teach them self coping techniques. They know if something is overwhelming to remove themselves from the situation. For instance if we are at a family gathering and it is too noisy they can leave the room. My oldest has a real problem with noise and has headphones. He knows he can use them whenever he needs to, even if we are out in public. We also have weighted blankets at home that are always available for the boys to use if they want. We take them with us when we go on vacation too, so if they need them, they are available. We also have small sensory items (fidgit spinner, bubble timer) with us at all times to give the boys as a distraction if necessary. Sensory boxes can be great to keep in the car as well.
We also notify their teachers both in person and through their IEPs about these coping techniques and steps so we avoid any problems. Teachers, students and their parents should work like a team and communicate what things work, don’t work and when things could potentially be a problem. For instance, if my son is frustrated when he gets on the bus or hasn’t slept well the night before, I’ll call his teacher before he gets there and give her a heads up.
Behaviors can be reduced, helped and treated. It may not happen overnight. It may take time to make it work, but in the long run it will pay off and help your child adjust and fit in better with the world around them and make it a better place for them too.
It’s best to start working on these things when they are younger, but you can start at any time. As parents we always strive to be part of the solution and not part of the problem. It’s easy to make excuses or do things the easy way, but that may not be the best way. Not all strategies, aids, coping techniques work for every child. So try one new thing at a time to see if it works, if it doesn’t move on to the next thing.
