Marriage is hard under the best of circumstances. It takes time, determination, love and patience to make a marriage work. It takes two people both giving and taking from the relationship.
However, add in children, and it becomes harder. Add in special needs children, and it increases seemingly exponentially. I remember when we got the diagnosis for our son, the case worker told us that 50% of all marriages end within six months of an autism diagnosis. We were determined to be one of the 50% that was still together, not just in six months, but in years down the line – and we just celebrated our twenty third anniversary. It hasn’t always been easy, but some simple rules have made it successful.
When my husband and I first got married, I came across a plaque on our honeymoon. It read: Rules for a Happy Marriage. Underneath it were the suggestions below:
- Never be angry at the same time.
- Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.
- If one of you has to win the argument, let it be the other one.
- Never bring up mistakes of the past.
- Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
- Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
- At least once a day, say something kind or complimentary to your partner.
- Remember that “it takes two” for everything, especially love.
That’s pretty sound advice. These are not the easiest things to do all the time. That’s where the time and determination come in. Too many times relationships are one sided. Potentially as bad kids, friends, and jobs can easily be placed before your spouse.
When flying on an airplane the flight attendant shows you what to do in case of a crash. When the oxygen masks come down, you are supposed to place them on yourself first and then on your children. The same is true in a family. You must first take care of yourself and your marriage before you can take care of your kids. Here are some things we’ve found that have helped us over the last 23 years not just stay married, but grow stronger – and that strong relationship has helped us weather the storms of life.
Setting Aside Alone Time
It is important to set time aside just for you and your spouse. Go for a walk together by yourselves in a park, around a lake, etc for some quiet time alone. Watch a movie together followed by a quiet dinner. Sit on the front porch and watch the sun go down. It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you spend time together on a regular basis. I know when my husband and I don’t spend as much time together, we seem to be a little less patient with each other.
We work to make it a priority to watch TV sitting on the sofa together, just us. Sometimes we’ll go outside and work on a project together.
With special needs kids this can be difficult – you can’t always leave your kids. And finding a sitter so we can go out on date night is even harder when you have special needs kids.
So we’d bring a playpen to put the baby in, or something bigger when they got older. Our oldest and youngest love the trampoline. It’s fully enclosed so it is nice and safe – and allows us to keep an eye on them, while having our (relatively) alone time.
We do late night snacks together, and as we mentioned before, like to watch a TV show or movie, just the two of us – a in-home date night if like. For us our snacks might be popcorn with the movie/show or fried cheese sticks. Sometimes we’ll play a card game – anything that’s easy for us once the kids go down. It’s a way to decompress, spend time together, and talk – which is the next big thing we do.
Communication is Key
Take time to talk to each other every day, even if one is out of town (maybe especially when one is out of town). Don’t just use your spouse to vent on how your day went. It’s OK to do this, but don’t let it be the main point of your conversation. Discuss how your day went (each person, don’t just have one person do all the talking), future plans, and how they are feeling. Ask them if anything is bothering them if they are acting differently, even if it is only a small change.
People will not usually say if something is frustrating them unless asked, especially little things that their spouse does that bothers them. This can turn a small problem, which could have been easily fixed early on, to fester and grow into a big problem. Small problems are always easier to solve before they grow into monster sized problems.
So ask your spouse if there is anything you do that they don’t like. If you both do that you get better at each other.
We make it a priority to set aside some time to talk – just the two of us. No interruptions from kids, or phones, just us and one on one conversation. Sometimes my husband has had to commute an hour plus to work, so he’d call during his drive. Other times he’s worked from home, and he’d come out of his office to talk on his break – no email, no work phone, just him and I.
Offer Some Praise
Make sure you say something positive to your spouse at least once a day. If they did a chore you usually do be sure to say “thanks for doing that, I really appreciate it.” Maybe they are wearing a shirt that you really like on them, tell them they look great in that shirt.
When you talk to them each day, even if it’s just by the phone, and even if you have almost no time – remember to tell them “I love you.”
If You Are Overwhelmed, Ask For Help
It’s okay to ask for help. It doesn’t make you look weak. It doesn’t make you look lazy. If there is something you need help with, ask your spouse.
Now, don’t take advantage of your spouse, or they will eventually resent you. Try to handle it yourself first and if you can’t accomplish it on your own, ask for help. If you have to much to do in a particular week, ask for help.
Likewise, be willing to help your spouse if they ask you for help. Offer to help if it looks like your spouse is in over their head. It happens to us all every once in a while. If it happens too much you might want to take a closer look at why you are so busy and find something outside of the family to cut from your schedule.
Remember You’re In this Together!
You are not in this marriage alone. You are a team. Don’t let other people divide you, not children, friends, parents, etc. The saying goes, “Happy wife, happy life.” It should be “Happy couple, happy life.” Marriages need to be balanced. Help one another, don’t tear each other down. Listen to each other – know what your spouse likes, doesn’t like, wants from the marriage, expects of the kids. Be on the same page and present a united front.
Realize that your spouse (and you) will change over time. No you won’t always be the same as you were when you first got married. As you get older your experiences change you. Change together as a couple.
If you’re not happy with your relationship, change it up. Each of you create a jar, include in it things you would like to do or have your spouse do for you. Make them things you can do with current finances and can be accomplished within a week. Once a week each of you picks something out of the other’s jar and does it. Don’t pick something that your spouse doesn’t like or something mean or spiteful. This is designed to bring you closer together, not tear you apart. Examples could be to give a massage, spend a quiet evening just the two of you, cook dinner, etc.
My husband and I have been married over 23 years. It hasn’t always been easy, sometimes its been downright hard. However, our marriage has gotten stronger over time because we work at it. A frequent phrase at our house is “well, I never expected that I/we would…”
When we are presented with a problem we work through it together. We discuss what we each think is best. Many times it is a combination of each of our ideas. We make big decisions together after discussion. Marriage is a team effort. Don’t expect a perfect marriage, it doesn’t exist. Work together to make a happy marriage.
