Many people expect life to be like what they see in television, the movies or social media. As parents of three very different children on the autism spectrum we realize that our lives are nothing like what we see on TV, yet this is what many people expect their lives to be like. People often set unrealistic expectations for themselves and sometimes on their children. Likewise, children will learn from this, and often have unrealistic expectations for their futures based upon what they see on television.
People look at the fancy houses, cars, clothes and lifestyles on television and want that for themselves. Most people never get to that point and many that do often sacrifice time with their families to achieve it.
Our goal with our lifestyle is to live comfortably, spend within our means, and not to live paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes that means saving up and waiting a while to get what we want.
Helping Your Child To Have Realistic Expectations
With our children we have them set up wish lists for gifts. We tell them they won’t get everything on the list. We remove things as they get them and add new things as they want them. This has helped our children to see that you can’t always get everything you want. Our kids always get things they want for their birthdays and Christmas, but they don’t get everything.
So many people buy everything their child wants, then when their child gets out on their own they have no idea how much things cost. They expect to be able to have the newest phone, game console, etc. but don’t have the money to achieve this lifestyle long-term. This leads to debt, stress or unhappiness (or all of them). As a parent, this is the last thing we want for our children.
With my middle son, we have been discussing money to some extent since he was in middle school. As he gets older we have explained more things to him. My husband and I have set a family budget. We don’t go into dollar amounts, however we have discussed budgets and saving up for things with him. We have been fixing up our house for several years. In order to not go into debt to update it, we have been doing things in stages. We have explained to him why we don’t just do everything at one time. These things help him grasp how money factors into everyday life.
We have talked to him about jobs and college. We ask him about what he wants to do in the future and listen to what he wants. We offer suggestions on things that he can do that will help him on the path to achieve his goals. We want him to make his own decisions, but let him know that we are here to help.
Some people think criticize this approach because he is on the spectrum. However, because he is high functioning, and we’ve been training him, we give him what he can understand and handle. Our goal is to have him better prepared to handle money once he’s out of our house. Our eldest doesn’t understand these things, and we don’t train him on this as we don’t want to frustrate him.
Taking Things Into Consideration
Our oldest son most likely will never live on his own, however it is important for him to have more to life than just watching videos. He is currently in his last year of high school. His school offers a transition program that takes him to places that might make a good match for possible employment and assist him (as little as possible to teach him independence, but still assist if it becomes necessary due to communication issues or safety) while he learns skills to help him find a job. Right now he is working at an auto parts store sweeping, stocking and cleaning the windows. He loves his job and is proud of it. Hopefully this will become permanent once his completes his last year of high school.
Last year when one of his friends mentioned going to a college program he seemed interested in going too. Sadly this is a program that would most likely be too difficult for him and would not allow him the time to work a job. Job coaches are almost impossible to find in our area due to lack of funding and availability so most likely if he decided to do the college program he would be unable to work as too much time would have passed and he would have to relearn all the tasks, plus his job might not be available. Since we know he loves working at his job, we have asked him if he would like to continue working after he completes high school. He said yes, so we are encouraging him to go that route and are actively working to secure him part time employment in the next few months.
Doing Our Best To Ensure Success
Success is never guaranteed, however we try to do things to help our children live the most successful lives they can. When each of our kids were younger, doctors always kept telling us, “He will never be able to do that, don’t expect too much from them, etc.” Well, instead of accepting that, we decided to push our children to be the best they can be. We start with gentle nudges to try harder or new things. Then we work with them and build up their skills and knowledge step by step one day at a time until we accomplish the task. Then we move on to the next one. Sometimes you have to push a little harder if you know they can do it, but just need a little help and encouragement. Push, not shove. We want to help, not hinder or frustrate.
With our middle son, he was almost completely non-verbal and had sensory issues plus ADHD. Doctors said he will never talk at a true conversational level and would most likely be in special classes and live with us for the rest of his life. We worked with his teachers as a team and continued to help and encourage him. Slowly he began to speak more and within a few years he was entirely in mainstream classes making honor roll most semesters. We continued to work with the school system and developed an IEP that allowed him to continue to improve and gain confidence in his abilities. We realize that all cases will not be like his, like his older brother, but the key is to push them to be the best THEY can be. Our oldest will never catch up to his younger brother, but that’s okay. He’s improved so much over the years and has accomplished way more that what anyone, including us, had thought possible.
We know that they may not fit into society’s definition of being a success, but we continue to work with them so they can feel a sense of accomplishment in their lives, and be proud of the work they do even if it’s at two completely different levels according to society. We’re proud of the both of them, and will continue to encourage and train them as with both, we want success and happiness for them, that they can accomplish.
