Holidays can be a bit of a crazy time even if you don’t have sensory issues. But, if you’re on the autism spectrum, dealing with the changing schedules, changing time, changing seasons, seasonal parties, family gatherings, holiday decorations, etc can be just too overwhelming – and that will lead to unfortunate, but inevitable, meltdowns.
We used to dread that time between Halloween and New Year’s Day. With the numerous holiday parties with friends and co-workers, costumes, moving and noisy decorations, noisy kids hyped up on sugar from Halloween to Christmas candy, noise makers for New Year’s, you name it – it was too much. We’d often avoid any type of fun activity thinking it was not worth it, being unable to cope with all that it involved.
When we would try to go our kids would try to enjoy it. Try to act like the other kids and fit in with everyone. But they just couldn’t.
It would start out fun, but before long, they’d often melt down from sensory overload. Too much excitement, too many people in too small a space…they felt confined, unable to breathe. We’d watch them trying to be OK, but they’d start to hunch over and shake – we knew what was coming, and often it was too late to do anything about it.
Maybe you feel this way too. That the parties and celebrations just aren’t worth it. You huddle inside your house, having to sorrowfully turn down invitation after invitation – afraid that they’ll stop coming one day. In part hoping they will so you don’t feel guilty about not coming, and in part fearing it just as much.
I’ve got good news for you. You can make it easier for both you, and your kids.
My kids seem to handle the holiday festivities much better now, because we learned how to take care of their needs, so they can enjoy it. Here are some things that we’ve learned and use to help us manage the holidays.
Preparation
Anytime we have a change in routine, we try to let our sons know about it in advance. Letting them know a week, two, or even more out, helps them mentally prepare. We make sure to talk it up, and help the kids become excited for this change in routine.
For example, we will let them know we’re going to travel to see their grandparents for Christmas four to six weeks in advance. Why so far out? Well, that type of traveling means we’ll be spending a night in the hotel to get there, and then there will be several days of them not sleeping in their own room as we stay with their grandparents. While they are excited they get to see their grandparents, they also will miss their rooms, their beds, and their toys. We need to be thoughtful of what this means for them.
If we’re having a party/celebration at our house, we’ll let them know a week or two in advance. This isn’t as big a deal as they will be in a location that is familiar to them and have their bedrooms that they can escape to if they become overwhelmed. However, since we’ll probably have people at the house who aren’t usually over, we want to let them know.
Create a New Routine
Part of our preparation is picking a new routine. Those on the spectrum find routines comforting, so we replace their existing routine with a new one. We let them know if we’ll be traveling, how long we are we will be gone and how long it will take to get to where we are going. Holiday travel is crazy to begin with between extra people being on the road as well as weather challenges, so we always plan for a longer amount of time, and let the kids know this time. If we get there faster, they never seem to complain.
We also have several travel routines that we’ve put in place. Things like having them help us pack the day before, and picking out a favorite toy, videos, and games, to bring with them. Depending upon how you are traveling will vary what you can pack. We’ve found that driving by car is easiest for us. We can get out and walk around if need be, stop to eat on our schedule, and we generally don’t have as many people to deal with in a confined area, especially compared to an airport. Of course this isn’t an option for everyone, so plan accordingly.
We even have them help us load the car, and go through the house making sure it will be OK when we come back home. This gives them reassurances that they will be coming back to someplace that they find normal.
Bring Needed Items
As part of our preparations, we pack items that we know can help soothe them during times of overload. Typically we’ll bring several sensory items (including a sensory box that a friend made for us), a weighted blanket, and a favorite stuffed animal.
Of course, how you travel will dictate what you can bring. Once again, this is an advantage to driving in the family car if you can. We make sure there is room for what is needed.
One of the most important things for us, is bringing headphones. With lots of people at one house/location, the noise level just naturally seems to rise. So, whether it’s noise from an airplane you have to travel on, noise from people around the table, or just the singing decorations, headphones have been a savior for us more than once.
Finding a Quiet Space
Sometimes the best thing is to just get away from all the noise and stimulation.
We’ve started hosting more things at our house so our boys have a familiar place to step away to, and calm themselves. We try to keep their bedrooms empty of other people and undisturbed so that they can go there to recover. If other kids are there, then it is not going to be calming for them. They’ll go there on their own, and sometimes sit with the lights down low, or even off. They’ll play on their handheld game device, read a book, or rock in their rocking chair. All the things they know how to do to calm themselves.
Of course, this isn’t always an option, as often you have to go someplace. So my boys have learned it is OK to go outside when at a family member’s house, or pull out from the crowd and find a quiet corner when they start to get overwhelmed. When they were younger, we, of course, couldn’t have them go outside unsupervised, so we would ask if they could go into an empty bedroom away from the noise and commotion. My wife or I would often go with them to stroke their hair, or rock with them. We never had anyone say no.
You know the best ways to help calm your child and what you need to do to help them. Remembering this during these stressful times, and helping your child remember if they get overwhelmed is very important.
Bring a Favorite Food
Food is comforting for many people. A favorite food for an autistic child can be a virtual life saver. Whether it’s to supplement a meal which they may not like, or to help calm their nerves, having a favorite snack or food item/meal can have a huge effect on your child’s situation. We tend to keep a bag of vanilla wafers with us as it’s easy to eat, and doesn’t create a huge mess. Other parents like Cheerios, Goldfish crackers, fruit snacks, or other simple things that don’t have to be heated and generally don’t make a big mess.
If there is going to be a meal, we bring chicken nuggets in a insulated bag in case the kids won’t have something there that they like to eat. (And let’s face it – holiday meals often include traditional food things, that most of us don’t even like to eat on a regular basis.)
Let Others Know
When we first learned why our son would have meltdowns at a large family gathering, or social event it was a bit awkward for us. On one hand, at least we now knew. On the other, we still were learning how to control it, and more times than not, we couldn’t quite help him.
We were nervous to share the information, but assumed it would be best. After all, we were getting labeled as the parents with the “bad kid”, and he wasn’t bad, he was just overwhelmed. But we did eventually share, sometimes in explaining why we couldn’t come.
Most people were understanding. When our first child was diagnosed, not everyone was as aware of autism as they are now. And we had a few people stop inviting us over. But we were OK with that.
Luckily for us, our family and extended family, were accommodating. They’d put their pets away in a bedroom because the commotion of a hyper pet would be too much. They’d start making sure there was a favorite food of our child available, and wouldn’t get offended when they needed to step away for a little bit.
Knowing When to Say No
Of course, no matter what, sometimes we just have to say that we can’t go. There was a huge lighted Christmas celebration that we used to love to attend. However, because thousands of people would be crammed in a relatively narrow space it would cause our kids to go into meltdown mode. Once they even tried to run away from all the noise and stimulation. We had to stop attending because they just couldn’t handle it.
Likewise, we’ll often get several invitations for parties within the same week. There is a definite cumulative effect on our kids. Too much in a short period of time can be overwhelming. We have to know when to say “no”. We’d like to say “yes” more, but we have to know our limits, and the limits of our kids. They don’t meltdown for fun or to misbehave, they do it because they are overwhelmed. If we can avoid it, then it’s worth the time at home.
Adults have a tendency to say yes to everything, and over time it stresses them out – maybe saying no, even for you, is OK every once in a while.
