OK, small warning, I love the TV show Scrubs. Because of it, I’ve seen every episode, at least twice. Including the one with the following clip from My Roommate Season 4, Episode 18: (which the clip as been deleted off of YouTube… of course!)
Dr. Cox believes that his friend’s son might be on the spectrum and runs a series of tests – that would normally be done by a psychiatrist, not a hospital doctor, but that’s a different story, but it was more for a preliminary diagnosis to get a recommendation for a formal diagnosis.
This clip shows three people, and what I’ve personally seen to be some of the most common responses to getting the news.
- One who leaves as soon as it’s about to get uncomfortable, not knowing how or what to respond.
- One who is in denial, who sees how his son does some things better, and wants to believe that there is “nothing wrong” with his son.
- And one who just wants to help.
As I’ve been around more and more people, I realize in may ways, those first two are really about going through a grieving process. A grief that you realize that your life is going to be different from others, and the plans you might have had for your child will be different.
I wish the last one was more common. Unfortunately, many people don’t do this. They can’t, at least not right away.
The Grieving Process of Getting the Diagnosis
Similar to the stages of grief, you’ll see people try to deny it. They’ll try to bargain, asking if there is a way to “fix” it.
They don’t know what to do. And in some cases they don’t believe they can handle it. And like a problem they cannot see, if they leave, then to them, it doesn’t exist. In talking with single parents of children on the spectrum, I think this is why a lot of people leave. They often mention their spouse not being able to handle the thought being a parent of a special needs child.
And like the stages of grief, we’ve watched several parents go through each of these stages. The ones that leave, often seem to be stuck in the denial stage.
Acceptance
It’s not easy to accept those words. I remember feeling numb when I heard them the first time. I couldn’t believe it (denial), thought it could be fixed (bargaining), and more. However, if you go through all of them, you finally get to acceptance.
Acceptance is there are those that stick with it…and you. Remember it’s a tough road, even if you accept it. You need help and support from others, so don’t push them away.
Support From Others
I remember being in a big conference room as we got the diagnosis for our eldest son. As part of the process, they told my wife and I were told that 50% of all parents divorce within 6 months of receiving a diagnosis. I looked down at our youngest (at the time) who was six weeks old sitting in his portable carrier. I then looked over at our eldest was less than five years old. I knew I couldn’t abandon them.
My wife and I took it as a challenge to stay together. 26 years later, we’re part of the other 50%…and we work hard at not giving up on our kids, or each other. We’ve been there to support one another when those rough day occur. (Luckily, as you work together and train your kids, the rough days aren’t as often, and aren’t as bad.)
We know that not everyone has the spouse that can help them. Some (about 50%) do leave. But you do need someone who is not going to leave you and help you. This could be a parent, or friend, or even a support group. We can’t do it alone.
Find the people who are in that third group. The one’s that just want to help, and let them. It will make your life easier.
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