I see this question a lot in the Facebook groups I’m in. This can be a hard thing for us to handle as parents. We all want our kids to be treated well and have the same opportunities as neurotypical children. However, this may not be what is best for them.
Shift your focus wanting them to be treated the same way to treating them the way they want to be treated and being treated with kindness and understanding. In many cases my husband and I don’t treat our kids the same way simply because they need different things and are capable of different things. Our middle son is a dual enrollment student, taking college classes while in high school and getting A’s and B’s, while our oldest is in self-contained classes and attending a transition to work program. To treat my older son the same way as my middle son would frustrate him as he is not able to do or understand many things that his brother does. And to treat our middle son the same way as his older brother would make him feel insulted.
So we treat each of them the way they like to be treated and in a way that they can handle. Each is given as much love and attention as they want. I frequently go up to each of them individually and ask them “Do you want to play a game? Watch a movie? Talk?” Sometimes they say yes, sometimes no, and other times they suggest something different. We speak to each of them on a level that they understand and talk about things they each like to talk about.
Sadly sometimes it can be unfair when, for instance, your family members brag on what their kid did and don’t get excited about your child’s accomplishments or act like they are no big deal. The best thing to do in this case is to pull your family member aside and explain why this was such a big accomplishment for your child and that they need support and encouragement to continue to do well. Tell them you are proud of their kids and would like them to be proud of yours too. If they hurt your feelings or your child’s feelings, let them know. They may not have realized it and will do better. If it becomes a toxic relationship then you may have to reduce or eliminate the time you spend with others who are not encouraging and could cause damage or frustrations. You need to focus on what is best for you and your child.
The most important thing is what you do. Your opinion and actions are one of the most important to them and the ones they see most often. Encourage them, love on them and help and guide them. Kids will mimic what they see and hear, whether you want them to or not. They pick up a lot more than what you realize. Pay attention to your kids and encourage the behaviors you like and offer suggestions to alternative behaviors. Encourage and praise good behaviors so they will continue to do them.
One more thing to keep in mind is that if we want people to treat our kids the same, then we need to be willing to do the same. If your child does or says something hurtful, you need to let them know that it is hurtful and there needs to be a consequence. You need to explain what they did was wrong or not nice and a better way to do it. If your kids pinches, hold their hand and tell them that they hurt you. Remind them that they don’t like to hurt and ask that they have “nice hands or be gentle” and show them how. If they after being corrected several times in close succession continue to do this behavior then you have to give them a consequence. The worse and more frequent problems need bigger consequences, while the smaller ones get smaller consequences. Pinching might get a time out for a few minutes, while punching someone or breaking something would get sent to their room with no electronics for 30 minutes. Or if they broke something they need to “pay for it” by doing extra chores around the house. They key is that if you say it, then you need to follow through on it so think first before setting a consequence.
My kids are often treated differently than their peers, but as long as they are treated with kindness and respect and are happy then that is what matters the most to us. My kids are respected by teachers (some not even their teachers) and staff members at their schools who frequently tell me that my kids are their favorites because they are so respectful, sweet, helpful and try so hard. Their classmates are kind to them and maybe they don’t have as many friends as I would hoped for, but the ones they have are good friends and they seem to be happy with the ones they have.
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