My wife and I have been regular church goers since before we even met. That means our children have been attending church, even before they were diagnosed as being on the spectrum. People who know about us and our children have occasionally asked for our advise as they look for a church since we are still going and have even changed churches a couple of times.
The Church Personality
Well, I can tell you from experience, that sometimes, it can be a challenge. Like each person has their own personality, each church has their own personality. I’ve heard from people who said their church was not welcoming to their child, while I’ve been involved with others that had autism caregiver support groups, and had special events for children with special needs.
We’ve been lucky in many ways. The churches we’ve attended have been staffed by caring adults who wanted to welcome all children, not just children like looked and acted like their own children. The only time we had an issue was with our oldest before he was diagnosed, and before we even knew much about autism. In our newly married group, we were one of the few parents with a child and he would sometimes act out. Since no one else had children, they often thought he should act differently, which clearly never happened.
You can’t change a person’s or church’s personality. They have to want to change if they are not a good at accepting others. If they cannot/will not accept others, then it might be best to move on to find one that can.
Being Active and Communicating
However, in our other churches, we’ve always tried to be actively involved, even early on. This has allowed us to talk to the staff and volunteers to let them know how our children are different from neurotypical children. We’ve been allowed to sit with them in children’s church to help, and make sure they don’t distract others unnecessarily. And, we’ve even been allowed to keep our children in a program longer than their age would normally dictate, because their mental ability was more like the younger kids in the class.
And when our children would move up into a new group, we’ve been allowed to speak to the volunteers about what autism is, how it affects a child in general, and our children specifically. We’ve used it as a way to help educate them about children on the spectrum.
These churches wanted to know more, and were willing to learn. They were accepting of those on the spectrum, and wanted to learn more about how to accommodate and minister to them.
Adjustments We’ve Had to Make
Of course, sometimes the church cannot make every accommodation. A good example of this, is where s child, due to sensory processing issues, cannot tolerate the music during worship time. Maybe the church uses a praise band that plays loud, or maybe music in general can be too much for them.
We’ve had this issue, and are quite familiar with it. Our first step is to evaluate the issue, like we normally do. If your child has sensory issues, I know you know how to do this, and can do this quickly. For years we kept headphones either on us, or in the car. At church we’d carry them with us, and our sons would put them on right before entering the sanctuary.
In some cases, we would have to take them out, either in the lobby or outside to keep them from getting too overwhelmed if the music was especially loud that day. This means we were always prepared and tended to sit in the back (away from the speakers, which is a little quieter) and at the end of an aisle so we could make a quick exit if we needed to. My wife and I would trade off weeks as necessary so one of us wouldn’t always go without.
What We Don’t Do
What we don’t do, is bring toys/iPads/etc for our kids to play with during service. We believe that the children should be there to learn as well. So we will keep them in an appropriate level group for them as long as possible, whether it’s children’s church, nursery, Wednesday night youth service, etc.
Kids just sitting can get bored. We encourage them to take notes (our church has fill in the blank notes for everyone, which makes it easier). Yes, sometimes they kick the seat in front of them (we always apologize), yes sometimes they have to get up to use the restroom (they no longer announce it loudly like they used to – yes that was embarrassing, and no, no one asked why that was happening), and sometimes they will do other things – things that neurotypical kids also do. But we teach them, and with time, this has helped them learn how to better integrate into society – which isn’t that one of all of our main goals?
Changes Since the Pandemic
One of the big changes that the pandemic brought was a rise in streaming services. Now we can control the volume of the service as we watch from home. Our kids love routine, and come 11AM on Sunday they are gathering in the living room to watch. One son is responsible for setting up the TV, the other rounds up everyone so we’re ready. That has allowed us to make it more comfortable for our kids, while my wife and I get to both watch the service.
Now that our church, like many others, has opened back up, we’re still watching the streaming service. We’d like to get back to in person worship, but we know it can be a challenge. Like many other families with special needs, we also have to be extra careful due to medical needs and sensitivity which has kept us from returning so far. We have been able to start attending Wednesday night service, which has a smaller group in attendance and lots of extra spacing. Hopefully we’ll be able to return to Sunday morning service soon.
