Communicating With Your Non-Verbal Child

Communicating with your children can be difficult, but communication with a non-verbal or mostly non-verbal child can be really challenging. Every person communicates, however not everyone communicates with speech.

Types of Communication

There are many ways to communicate. While everyone always thinks of speech/verbal, there are also other ways people communicate – non-verbal, written, and visual. Each can tell you a lot about a person and what they have to say. I’m going to talk about each of these methods and how you can use them to communicate with your non-verbal child.

Verbal Communication

Just because a child is non-verbal, it doesn’t mean that they don’t understand verbal communication. If you ask a child to do something and they obey then they understand what you are saying. The key is to speak clearly and give instructions in short simple sentences. Watch your child’s face, when they are confused it will most likely show in the expression on their face. Reword your sentence and explain in simple, concise words.

Also try not to give them too many instructions at once. Most kids have that “magic” number of instructions they can remember. They have to remember it, in order to follow it. Typically the “magic” number for many people is three to five. However someone with limited verbal skills may often be less. For one of our sons, we know we can’t give more than two steps at a time. So make sure your instructions are short, simple, and not too many as a whole.

Non-Verbal Communication

Non-verbal communication involves watching body language and facial expressions. These will give you great clues as to what your child is trying to communicate.

Most people on the autism spectrum have difficulty maintaining eye contact. It tends to make them uncomfortable, so they avoid it. In standard communication, typically eye contact can show understanding, respect, and interest. However if a person on the autism spectrum doesn’t maintain eye contact they are most likely paying attention and are listening. They don’t mean disrespect and in many cases they are trying to concentrate on what you are saying, which is easier for them to do if they don’t have to worry about eye contact making them uncomfortable.

Now let’s focus on what they are trying to communicate with us. Watch their hands – hands are great communicators. Balled fists signify anger or frustration. Open palms with spread out fingers can signify that you are talking too fast or too loud, especially if they are pointed downward. It can also signify that they want something to stop, but typically they are pointing a flat palm toward whatever they want to stop (person, object, noise). A frequent way a non-verbal child communicates is by pointing to/taking you to/handing you what they want or what they want you to do. When our child does this, we comply, but when handing him a cup, ask him “Do you want milk? Are you thirsty? Let’s get you some milk.” This encourages and teaches verbal communication.

When a person on the autism spectrum starts flapping their arms (stimming), this usually means that they are excited or over stimulated. This could be good excitement or bad. To determine which you are dealing with, all you need to do is watch their facial expression (happy, sad, angry, frustrated) or look at their surroundings/what they are doing when it starts.

Looking away can signify several things – too much stimuli, being uncomfortable, or trying to avoid a situation. If this happens every time something happens then this could be a sign of something that might be a trigger.

Facial expressions are the best way to determine what they are thinking. People often say the eyes are the window to the soul, but I think faces show best, especially when communicating with someone on the autism spectrum. Many times their faces will be the first indicator of what they are feeling – happiness, sadness, confusion, alarm, anger, frightened, etc. This is the best tool in your communication arsenal.

Sign language can be a great way to communicate with a non-verbal child, but it does have some challenges. First you need to make sure that close family members and people they interact with on a regular basis (especially their parents, siblings and teachers) all know sign language. It doesn’t do them any good if they cannot communicate with the people closest to them. Most people do not know sign language and when your child (especially a young one) tries communicating and they don’t respond to or understand what they are trying to say this can cause a great amount of frustration (and possibly anger) for your child.

Our first son was mostly non-verbal and for his age they basically classified him as non-verbal since he was speaking like a two-year-old in first grade. Whenever he would point to something, we would get it for him. Whenever he would hand us something we would do what was expected – fill a cup, put food on his plate, play a game with him, open the playdough, etc.

We considered teaching our son sign language. His teacher discouraged us from doing this as it could create a crutch for our son and he would not feel the pressure to learn verbal words to communicate. Because he could speak, the teacher encouraged us to engage with him more making him ask for things not just point. We literally got to where we’d hand him one french fry at a time making him ask for each one, and it helped improve what and how much he could speak.

Now some people are physically unable to speak and sign language may be their only way to really communicate with others without having to rely on written communication, but this was not the case with our son. His teacher pointed out that we could always work on sign language later if our son did not increase his vocabulary in a reasonable time. We agreed and luckily he increased his vocabulary and continued to do so until now where he can communicate with anyone. This may not be the case for everyone, so it is best to consider what works best for your child.

Written/Visual Communication

This is another method you can use to communicate with your child. While this is not our main source of communication with our child, it can be very useful. We make our a list of chores expected of each child and put it on the refrigerator. It serves as a reminder to them of what they need to do.

You can also combine written and visual communication, by using pictures of items with the names of the items underneath them to teach kids vocabulary in an easy way. This introduces one word at a time. If you really want to reinforce this you can also say the word at the same time as well.

There are also programs that are available where a person can communicate through software or apps by selecting pictures to convey what they wish to speak. Some can be used to send email, while others can have a vocal component that will “talk” for its user. The high end programs involve a cost, however there are some that are free or have a trial period.

You can also communicate using pictures. You print out pictures of people, daily activities, common items that you child encounters on a regular basis. I would recommend laminating them so they last longer. Many times the word name is printed below to aid in word recognition. When my oldest was in pre-k, his teacher had many laminated cards with common classroom items and needs on a key ring. Each child had their own that they could communicate with. He also created daily schedules for the students with photos depicting the activities in order so each student knew what was expected of them.

What Works Best for Your Child?

A combination of communication methods may be best or just utilizing one or one at a time might be the best for your child. Speaking with their teacher and speech pathologist is a good way to determine what might be the best option. Also this makes sure you are consistent with how you communicate and that is always easier when everyone communicates the same way.