Do you want to know one of the HARDEST lessons to learn as a special needs parent, and an even harder one to accept? Stop expecting your child to fit in your world and learn to fit in their world.
When we were becoming parents we had dreams and plans about what our lives would be like, then reality hit. Our lives were not at all like we thought they would be. This could be anything from not having those fun mommy and me play dates your friends get to have, to realizing you’re not going to finally have that doctor or lawyer in the family.
Many times people try to force things back to the life they dreamed of. Sometimes that is possible, but in many cases we know that life will never come to pass. This brings us to two basic choices: keep trying to change things to they way we want or to accept the way things are and create a new life that will benefit you and your child. This is especially true if your child is on the autism spectrum.
Trying to create the life you dreamed of may not be worth it and you could end up with everyone unhappy. No one likes to give up their dreams, but almost everyone has had to give up on at least one dream in their lifetime. I would rather have a life where my family is thriving and everyone is happier than to try to make everyone conform to the life I want.
Frustrating Your Child
Too many times have I heard a parent say they want to do something and schedule it without factoring in how it will affect everyone else in the family. For instance, a woman with an autistic child that has a known history of meltdowns in crowds and loud noise took her son to the area’s largest festival on a Saturday, the busiest day, and stayed for several hours. Naturally her son had a meltdown and she had to take him home before doing everything she wanted. Both she and her child were frustrated and angry.
She had several options that could have been better. The first would be to hire a sitter and do a special activity for her son on another day. Second she could have gone on a slower day and time, brought noise canceling headphones and found a quiet place to take breaks. Third she could have gone to a smaller local festival with fewer people. By forcing her son to do what she wanted without considering how it would affect him, no one ended up happy.
Adjusting to Your Child’s Needs
Now another family I know has three kids, one of which is on the autism spectrum. The mother took two of the children to the local fair, while the child with sensory issues that didn’t like going to the fair visited with grandma. The next weekend she took her autistic child on a one-on-one activity of her daughter’s choice while her siblings visited grandma. This way everyone was happy and got to do something they liked.
I had a dream of what things would be like in the future. Have they turned out that way? No, but I do have three happy kids that accomplish things in their own time and ways who are continually improving.
Have I made personal sacrifices to do what best benefits the family as a whole? Yes. We lived in a larger town, which was a more stressful environment for my kids. The school system was not meeting their needs. I had lived in this area my entire life – many of my lifelong friends and family were there. However, we looked for a smaller town with a good school system where our kids could thrive. Looking back I see that this was the best decision for our family as a whole. Do I miss my family and friends? Of course, but seeing how much moving helped my kids become not as stressed, find a better school system that has helped them improve so much and programs that will continue to help them has made it all worth it.
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