This is a topic I have been seeing more and more on websites about autism. People ask should they have another child if they already have one on the autism spectrum, will that child also be on the autism spectrum, how will my current child adjust to the new baby, will I be able to give the necessary time to each child that they need?
These are all very important things to consider. Everyone always chimes with responses that they personally want to hear, however each family is unique as is each individual so I always tell people to look at their family as a whole. They need to consider each person in the household – husband, wife, and children.
My husband and I have been blessed with three amazing children, who all are on the autism spectrum. We waited a while in between our fist and second to make sure we could give both children the attention and time they needed, and our third was an unexpected gift. We have decided that this is the perfect size for our family and will not being having any additional children.
This is our story. Yours most likely will not be the same. I will try to share some information and things to consider helping you decide what is best for your family.
I like to break things down and look at them one at a time before making a big decision and having a baby is huge. Let’s break down each thing and you can look at them and decide what is best for your family.
Should People With a Special Needs Child Continue Having Children?
No one should answer this question except you and your spouse together. You need to be in agreement. This is important! If you want to but your spouse doesn’t, then this could lead to problems in your marriage, which could lead to divorce.
A good support system is important when you have a special needs child and losing part of the support system could lead to additional stress on the remaining parent and your current child. It could cause financial issues and time balancing issues. Just because they don’t want to have additional children now doesn’t mean it will be that way forever. If you are not in agreement, I suggest waiting 1-3 years to see how things change with your current child and then re-evaluate if you still feel the same way.
Consider Each Person in the Family
Look at current job constraints and schedules. Do you have enough time to devote to your current child and a new baby? Are there any physical health issues with anyone? Does your special needs child have a lot of therapies? Does your spouse travel a lot for work? How does your child handle change, loud noises, things/people that take parental attention from them, etc.? Does your child have aggressive behaviors toward themselves or others?
Do you have enough time to devote to your current child and a new baby? Having a spouse that isn’t available to help can be difficult. Having a baby with another special needs child without someone to help or even give them a break every once in a while can be stressful and cause health issues for the parent. This can also cause a strain on the marriage, as the parent at home will see a significant increase in things they need to do and most likely a lack of sleep.
Some special needs children require a lot more help than others and need more attention. This may cause resentment in your child and you may see new behaviors emerge because of frustration or to gain attention for themself. Some do occasionally become aggressive as a result, even if they weren’t aggressive before.
Any Existing Health Issues
Are there any physical health issues with anyone? A new baby could impact this as well. Some people tend to focus on everyone else in the family first and then themself with whatever time they have left. This could lead to complications with their own health if things are overlooked or not taken care of in a timely manner. If they have physical limitations, they may not handle everything physically that they need to be able to do for their children.
Does your special needs child have a lot of therapies? These can be time consuming between the travel time and the appointments themselves. Also, many times parents can go back to the therapy area with their child, but siblings (even a baby) are not allowed.
Children tend to do better when parents, teachers and therapists do the same things and use the same wording. Not being able to observe the sessions could hinder your child’s progress. Things take longer to do with a baby. I don’t know how many times I heard of a person walking in very late to their special needs child’s appointment because of a delay because of the baby. This reduces the time the child has in therapy and can stress them out prior to their appointment, both of which can have an adverse effect on the success of the therapy. You could also get fees due to being late or even not accepted as a patient if this becomes a regular occurrence.
Travel and Work Schedules
Does your spouse travel a lot for work? This could reduce support and assistance from your spouse. It’s also a frequently changing schedule, which when you add a new baby could be overwhelming to a special needs child. This could increase the stress levels of the stay-at-home spouse and the special needs child and bring conflict to the home.
How does your child handle change, loud noises, things/people that take parental attention from them, etc.? All these things will occur when you have a new baby. Some children are more adaptable than others. You know your child best. Can they handle all these things? Think back to how they behaved when a major change happened. Did it cause an increase in behaviors? What kind of behaviors started? How long did the behaviors last? What caused the behaviors to end? How tolerant are they to loud noises? What do they do when exposed to loud noises? Can you solve the issue with loud noises with headphones? How does your child respond to new people? How does your child respond to you speaking with someone else when they want your attention?
Does your child have aggressive behaviors toward themselves or others? This will almost certainly increase with a new baby in the house. I hear a lot of parents say that special needs children will start pinching others in frustration when there is a major change in the household. Most of the time they don’t pinch a baby, but it they seem to pinch themselves, their parents or other siblings if they are upset and will pinch or push a toddler if they already have aggressive behaviors. They may also get mad more frequently because they don’t get as much attention as they used to, so if they already throw and hit things, you may see in increase in this type of behavior. If they already hit or pinch themselves, this may increase in frequency and/or forcefulness. These can create a safety concern for those in the household.
Consider Your Finances
Can you afford a new baby? Babies are expensive. Special needs children require a lot of extra things that can be expensive and, in many cases, insurance doesn’t cover everything. So on top of these expenses that you already have, you will need things for the baby. Even if you have things left from your first child, you will still need things like diapers, wipes, shampoo/lotion and potentially formula. Having a special needs child can cause stress in a marriage and as well as a new baby, so you don’t want the added stress of financial difficulty. What if both of you are working jobs? Are you both going to continue to work with a new baby? Will you need to reduce work hours or pay for a babysitter while you work? These are all things to consider concerning financial impact.
Consider the Possibility of Having a Second Special Needs Child
Can you and your spouse handle having another special needs child emotionally and financially? With each child, a couple has on the autism spectrum, the chances of having another on the autism spectrum increase. The baby may be less or more severe than the child you have now. With each child, I had less and less social interaction and time for myself. While some people don’t mind, for some people this is a big deal. In order for a special needs child to be successful, they need support. This requires time and energy. Each child will need their own supports and they may not be the same. Can you devote the time and resources that each child will need to be successful?
Will My Second Child Also Be on the Autism Spectrum?
While there is an increase in the likelihood that your second child will be on the autism spectrum, there are many cases when the parent of a special needs child will only have one. Baby siblings of children on the autism spectrum are twenty percent more likely to be on the spectrum as well. If both parents are on the spectrum, then there is a greater chance.
There is no way to know until the mother is already pregnant. You can do prenatal testing for autism and down syndrome. A noninvasive test for Down syndrome is highly accurate, reporting sensitivity and specificity above 99 percent. However, noninvasive prenatal testing for autism is limited.
Some labs offering the tests claim they can screen for gene mutations relating to autism, but only a very small percentage of cases of autism could be identified this way. Commercial companies largely developed these tests where each lab screens for its own set of autism genes and makes its own decisions about which ones might be relevant. In many cases, these tests have produced false results. Parents in many studies have reported being hypercritical of their child’s development because of these tests and thinking that their child was on the spectrum only to have the child catch up to the normal child development schedule by age 3. Even if detected there is nothing parents can currently do to correct genetic mutations that could lead to autism, so many people don’t do the testing at all.
How Will My Current Child Adjust to the New Baby?
That depends on your child. If your baby is colicky, it could be a difficult adjustment. How fast the baby develops a sleeping schedule can also play a big part. You really can’t know this until it happens, but you can prepare and do things to increase a successful adjustment. First, you should talk to your child in advance. Some parents don’t want to deal with the stress beforehand and don’t tell their child until the baby is born. This is a bad idea. People react to changes better when they know they are coming. Talk about it in ways that they understand. There are videos and books that can help with this.
When I was pregnant with our third son. My middle son practiced holding the baby by holding a football. After the baby came, he helped bring things to the baby – a blanket, pacifier, bottle, etc. This made him feel a part of the family, rather than excluded.
We also set aside time for our other children individually to make sure they still felt like they were an important part of the family. We would do things like have one parent watch the baby, while the other would take them out to eat at their favorite fast-food restaurant, or play a game with just them. This helps to prevent resentment when children feel like they are ignored in favor of another sibling.
What If You’re Already Pregnant?
Sometimes the choice is made for you and you find out that you are expecting when you hadn’t planned on having a baby at that time. This is the hardest, because you haven’t prepared for this yourselves and now you have to prepare yourselves and your child/children at the same time.
At this point, you and your spouse should start working on talking up the positives to your child/children and making them realize they are special and important to you and that they are not being replaced. Talk with them about how they feel and how they can help. Make them a part of getting ready phase. Start showing them videos and reading books about babies so they will have some understanding about what is coming.
Making the Decision
First, make sure you factor in all the major players – the parents and any siblings. These are the people you need to consider when deciding whether to expand your family. Consider your finances and your current living arrangements. Can you afford another child? Will your current home be large enough?
Moving and a baby are two enormous changes and you can expect to see some problems arise from your current children with this many large changes. If you move, will you lose your support system (family and friends)? This might cause additional stresses on the family.
Health issues and therapies should also be factored into the decision making process. Do you have enough time to devote to all of your children? Will you still be able to take current children to their therapy sessions? Are you and your spouse in good health? These are all important questions to consider.
Feel free to gather opinions and suggestions from others, but remember what you and your spouse want should take priority and you should never feel pressured to have or not have children based upon other’s wants, desires and opinions. Talk things through with your spouse. Express your desires, thoughts, fears, and expectations. Make sure you are on the same page before making a final decision. Also remember, even if the time isn’t right now, that doesn’t mean it won’t be later. Your final decision could be to wait until later.
You can always set a time to re-discuss your decision or set parameters, like when your spouse graduates from college or your spouse makes enough that you don’t need to work so you can be home with the kids. This can be beneficial if there are concerns about something specific. Talking to each other is the key to a happy home life, especially when change is involved.
