Recently I was reading in a CNN article about the number of children estimated to have lost a loved one due to Covid this past year. Now I want to point out this is a mathematical model which may or may not be accurate, and initially I didn’t give it much thought. However, my family is currently dealing with the imminent loss of one of my kids’ aunts. While my family is close relationship wise, we are physically distanced, and haven’t seen her in some time.
The five stages of grief are well known, but each person deals with grief in their own way. One of the ways I’ve dealt with it, is trying to be strong for my family as they need me.
But how does that look when you have multiple children on the spectrum. What you might expect from a child normally at a given age is kind of thrown out the window, as each can process at their own pace based upon their understanding.
My middle son is high functioning, and deals with most things in a typical teenager way – by getting quiet. Unsure of how to express himself, he keeps to himself, and I offer to simply be there for him, and be willing to talk to him about it at any time, willing to answer any questions.
My eldest has dealt with death before. A child in his class died just a year ago, but would he deal with a family member differently? Especially since it hasn’t happened yet? So far it hasn’t seemed to bother him. He prays for his aunt, like he would anyone else, but he doesn’t seem bothered by it, not comprehending what is going on.
Interestingly enough, my youngest (age six), who has never met his aunt, is dealing with it the worst. Despite being non-verbal, he seems to pick up on the moods of his mother and I. Knowing something is wrong he has been acting out all week. He tries to communicate in any way he can, and is quite successful at it. Working with him, we just hold him, rock him, and play with him.
I started looking at how I was working with my children, to see how I could help them grieve in their own ways. This is where knowing how your child deals with things is important, as each one does it differently. Some things I’ve done the same – I’ve hugged them a little longer, and a little tighter. I’ve reminded each of them that I love them, just the way they are, a little more often. I’ve tried to sit and play with them, watch TV with them, or do other things. With our highest functioning, I’ve simply been there for him, checking in on him from time to time, and asking if he needs or wants to talk.
And as I sat down to think about writing this, I realized the things I was doing to help them cope and grieve, were the very things I needed to do to help myself grieve. And that’s an important thing – you have to take time to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of them.
