Did you know that psychologists are encouraged to “not diagnose their friends”? This doesn’t mean that they are not to see them professionally, although from what I hear that is also discouraged due to their previous relationship and knowledge. But instead, it is easy for them to diagnose others in a casual environment where you see someone. The problem is, if you diagnose them, you may try to “fix them”.
As a parent of children on the spectrum, it’s easy to take what I know about autism and think I see it in others. Early on, as you are learning everything you can to better understand your child, it is even easier to do. So it becomes easy to think you see someone you know, or their family members, exhibiting symptoms of autism.
Reasons They Haven’t Told You
However, there are several reasons you should try to avoid that.
First, maybe they don’t know, but they aren’t having real issues. If it’s not causing issues, at least that they are willing to open up to you about, then maybe they are managing OK. Maybe they’re in denial. That’s OK, but if they are managing OK without knowing then you could actually cause harm to them. You could cause them to second guess things that they have done or shake their self confidence. You’ve probably heard of the old saying “if it isn’t broken, then don’t fix it”, the same could apply here.
As more and more adults are also being diagnosed with autism, they often didn’t even think there was an issue for years, partially because they learned effective coping mechanisms. But people of all ages learn coping mechanisms, especially if they are integrating into society effectively.
Second, maybe they know, but they aren’t ready to share. It’s easier to share when something is obvious. When a seven year old doesn’t talk, you know there is a reason. If it’s just a child with social awkwardness, or is a little slower in class, they may not want to open up about it.
If it’s your friend, or their child, but there isn’t something so obvious, then maybe they just aren’t ready to share that type of information. So let them share on their own. No one wants to be forced into sharing before they are ready.
Third, maybe they know, but they are in denial. I think almost everyone who gets a diagnosis goes through a period of denial. For some it last a few seconds, for others, I know of cases of it lasting for years.
- “That can’t happen to my kid”
- “They’re too smart to be autistic”
- “But they’re not like…”
- …and many more.
These are all things I’ve heard from time to time. If you confront someone who is going through denial, it may cause them to shut you out or even get angry at you. They might even avoid you, to avoid the situation and having to consider the possibility. Then they can’t come to you for help when they realize they need it.
Finally, they may not be autistic. As a parent of autistic children, it’s easy to see that in others. However, there are a wide variety of reasons why a child may be different, and autism is only one of them. As I’ve done more and more research, it’s easy to see autism everywhere, but I also know there are many other neurodivergent diagnoses out there.
Don’t add to your friend’s stress by bringing the topic up if they don’t ask for help.
If They Ask For Help
Now if they ask for help, then be fully ready and willing to help. Remember what it was like for you when you first found out. Their life will be full of fear, and questions, and doubts, and as someone who has gone before them, you can help guide them and show them that it will be OK.
Someone once suggested that I was like a Sherpa. For those who don’t know, they come from the Himalayas and are best known for being mountain guides for hikers because they’ve grown up in the area, and know the trails well. Likewise, you and I, have gone through this journey before, and therefore know how to help guide others. Your friend might be looking for that, especially if they are aware of your situation.
